05 August, 2009

Warped Tour, or The Music of the Apocalypse

Sweet fuck almighty.

This past Monday I attended Warped Tour with my good pals Jeff Elden and Mike Jones.
And we all agreed that despite the fact that we saw Less Than Jake, Bouncing Souls and Bad Religion in that order, no more than 10 minutes apart from each other, AND Streetlight Manifesto to end the day, that this once mighty bastion of punk music and culture has become just another cog in the machine that is popular music.

I remember seeing The Vandals, Dropkick Murphys, The Aquabats, Buck-o-Nine and others
I can't remember, but were ACTUAL punk/ska bands, at the two previous Warped Tours I had attended. These tours consisted of 90 percent punk/ska bands and the occasional Deftones or Black Eyed Peas (this was pre-Fergie, thank god). But now, now......they had bands that belonged to a bastard genre known as........emo-crunk? How can this even be possible? We saw band with a member playing a keytar (a horrible guitar/keyboard monstrosity) A FUCKING KEYTAR! With pants so tight I thought the guy would start bleeding from the ears.

I saw so many guys wearing make up I wasn't sure if we had stumbled into a drag queen pagaent of some sort.........or perhaps a Boy George look-a-like contest. It was fucking ridiculous.
It was just whiny emo band after crap hip-hop group, after nu-metal tard-gang, after whiny emo band. There were 69 bands playing, with approximately 10 of them worth seeing. I feel like my parents but, what the fuck is wrong with these kids? Are they mentally retarded? This was quite possibly some of the shittiest music I have ever heard that wasn't being played by your local Top 40 station! Some real asshat standouts were: Breathe Carolina (the aforementioned Keytar players band), Brokencyde (the aforementioned, sign of the apocalypse, emo-crunk purveyors), and a very classy set of 14 year old girls called Millionaire. Sample lyric, "let's get fucked up!". Fantastic.

I used to look forward to, and regret not making it to Warped Tour in the past. Now, I think I'll just dread its return.

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